The supermoon from these past few days have me feeling some kinda way, and it has be doubting every relationship I hold close to my heart. I have always struggled between knowing when is too much and when isn’t enough when it comes to giving myself to people, parts of myself and opening the deepest, most locked up parts of my heart to friends or otherwise. These parts are raw and hurting, unsure but willing, hesitant and in need of loving and reassurance. They are the tears in the middle of in the night and in a shower after an amazing day. They weigh on my chest when I can’t sleep and even more in the absence of something I wish I would of said. Each shred of me that is tucked way, is put there in so much hope that when they are tugged at long enough and by the right people- they will be appreciated.
There is this aching inside of me that is longing for honest connection. For an appreciation of all things that aren’t easy to display on the outside- for things that I need to work at. For someone appreciating why hurting parts of me are tucked away. I am so frustrated with having to watch each step I take with someone. Am I replying too much and too quickly? Am I being too picky? Am I keeping too much of a distance between us because I am scared or because I don’t feel what I think I should? What should I be feeling? Am I feeling the right thing? Are they feeling anything? What are they feeling? Should I read between the lines? This is all stemming from a societal strain on how much people should communicate and how much is too much.
— WHY DO WE HESITATE TO TELL PEOPLE HOW WE FEEL, AND WHEN THEY DO WHY DON’T WE BELIEVE IT?
I am frustrated with how communication is twisted and turned into things they are and aren’t just because thats what everyone is telling us.
My self love rituals have been overflowing since I moved back across the province in a journey of finding myself and my business. There hasn’t ever been a time in my life where every aspect of my interactions, my words, my relationships and the lack of relationships have been so, so intentional. I’ve been trying to let decisions and actions come to me as I am ready for them, and appreciate the timing they have in my life- but sometimes that just doesn’t seem to be enough for me and what I feel like I am needing.
I am calling myself out to be more patient with myself and with others. I am calling myself out to continue making all decisions and relationships full of honest and whole hearted intention. I am calling myself out to keep thankfulness at the forefront of my mind for the ones who want to be apart of my story.
I want this post to pose as a reminder for myself and for anyone else needing it- that people will always make what they want of your life, you’re relationships, your job and your intentions, but just remember that how you feel about all these things will indefinitely and ultimately be more important than what any of them could ever say, or not say about you. Somewhere, by someone, you are every eye flutter, heart beat, tug of a sweater, cup of coffee, warm morning and breeze through wet hair that they could ever want.
Be patient, come and go quietly but always know that your presence deserves to be known.